The Change I needed

They always tell you, “If you are unhappy, its up to you to make the change,” but they never tell you how to make the change. So how was it, that I made more changes than I could count, but I always ended up in the same spot? I would change my routine, and do well for three months, but then that would be the end of it. I would start a new food routine (not diet), and that would go well for two months, but then I would fall back to where I was. I would make all these changes that seemed promising and hopeful, and they were changes that worked for so many people. So then why didn’t they work for me?

The truth is, well, its hard to put in words. My childhood, was full of hardships, many of which I had thought I had overcome and learned to deal with. What I recently found out, was there still a lot of unresolved emotions I had not worked out yet, that were holding me back. When you come from a childhood of abuse and/or trauma, there is just so much that happens that you tend to forget most of it. I have been to therapy multiple times, I have read many self-help books, I even used the tarot to help solve my issues, but there was more that needed to be done. The biggest part of it was addressing and forgiving parts of myself I have neglected for so long I forgot they existed.

There is a part of me, I have kept from myself and everyone around me. It’s the part of me that is most authentic to myself. It’s also the part of me that loves tarot and other “occult/new age type” stuff. I tried to shove that part of me away, because it was the part of me that everyone rejected most. My free spirit attitude, had gotten me in trouble so many times with people who were close to me, that I just wanted to keep it tucked away forever. In truth, it was they who couldn’t handle me. I shouldn’t have had to change, but at the time my self-worth was so low, and these people were so close to me, they had to be right.

So here in lies my block, the reason I always ended up in the same spot no matter how much I tried, or how many different ways I changed my life. None of those changes matter, because none of those changes got me closer to who I truly am. I had to learn to embrace that part of myself again. The part of me, that is unconventional, free spirited, and often finds herself against the grain.

Yeah, it’s scary to reveal a part of me that has been rejected and looked down upon most of my life, but this is the change I need to make. Until I start revealing who I really am to myself and others, I will never find myself any farther there I have already been.