Letting go of fear. Yeah, it’s the basis of every self help book and it’s told over and over again in all types of media. So why did this epiphany seemed so new to me when I am clearly inundated with this message. Truth is, I didn’t know I was holding onto fear. I thought I was just being smart and prepared. You know, “keeping all my ducks in a row”, and “not putting all eggs in the same basket,” kind of deal. No one ever told me, that all this “preparedness” was actually fear.
I, like almost everyone else, had a very traumatic childhood. Sure, it had its good parts, but there was a lot of learned behaviors that helped me to survive the bad parts. These behaviors I have been working on unlearning for most of my adult life. Like all healing journeys, its ongoing process, but I feel I’ve made huge strides. I’ve read many of the self-help books, seen therapists, prayed, meditated, done shadow work, welcomed many spiritual practices, even reached out and worked with spiritual healers. Yet, I still felt this giant block I couldn’t overcome. The same block I have felt keeping me back for over a decade.
Growing up, I was an average student who never applied myself and in school and didn’t care that I had barely passing grades in some of my course. People would always say, “She’s afraid of failing,” or “She’s afraid of succeeding.” Neither of those statements ever seemed to ring true to me though, because I neither failed or succeeded at anything I did. I always did just enough to get by or dropped the project all together. So, if I wasn’t afraid of failing, and I was afraid of succeeding. Then what was keeping me from doing both, failing and succeeding?
The answer was fear. Just simple fear. I had learned to do things where the outcomes could be calculated and planned for. This wasn’t about my traumatic childhood. This was the social structure that my society has deemed as “good thinking” for an adult. Everywhere we look, we are told to be prepared for the unexpected. We have insurance for when the worst-case scenario happens. We save money so we can have an “Oh shit fund,” for when the expected “unexpected” event happens. We need to have a “Plan A,” “Plan B,” and “Plan C” when we are working on anything. Whether it be work, school, hosting a party, working out, going to a park, we always seem to have to have some type of back up plan.
I was really good at being prepared, and knowing how to handle things no matter how they turned out, I always had a solution. This was not because I was just quick to think on my feet, it was also because, in my head, I had already run a bunch of scenarios that were all different enough so no matter what happened, I had a plan. Why was I this way? Well, it’s simple. I’m an adult, and that’s adults do. It’s childish to think everything is going to go the way you want it too. It’s childish to believe opportunities will “magically” appear in front you.
“Stop dreaming and pull your head out of the clouds. It is time to grow up, be an adult and take control of your life.” I’m sure you have all heard those exact words in one way or another. Those words are based in fear.
The truth is, what seems “childish” by modern day society, is actually the freest way to live. Living without fear, is trusting the universe and your divine self to give you what is already yours. You still have to do work, if you don’t plant seeds and tend to your garden you will never get vegetables. But that is part of the freedom. All you have to do is plant the seeds, and tend your garden and those seeds will turn into an abundance of life that is already yours to claim.
Living without fear doesn’t mean everything is going to turn out the way you want it. Its being mature enough to see everything as a lesson and opportunity, and its up to you to choose if you accept what life is giving you or reject it, because it wasn’t part of your “plan.”